Remembered in death not life

I feel incredibly sad especially after reading this. It makes me wonder does a person have to be dead to matter? I'm not saying that someone's life does not need to be memorialiazed when they are are no longer living in this world. It's just that many receive so much more attention when they have passed on than they ever did when they were here. How is it that we are willing to spend so much of our emotional energy on the poor and disadvantaged among us after they are deceased under such sensational and unfortunate circumstances when a mere fraction of that could have made their life more comfortable or even extended it? Just wondering.

Apprentice L.A. : Major Snoozefest

This season is the most boring Apprentice ever. Really, how could they not have a final task so that the final two could duke it out like in the past? I have been such a loyal viewer of this show, and even stood by the Trumpster (figuratively speaking of course) throughout the whole Rosie tiff, tuned in every Sunday as the show limped through ho-hum episodes. I was only interested in Tim and Nicole's romance. For the first time i did not really care who actually won. Now, I feel completely let down and wish that I could demand a more exciting finale but it's too late now.

Oh, well, it's only a TV show. Here's hoping for better next season.

Bye Sanjaya

The inevitable happened and dear Sanjaya was eliminated last night. I am strangely not heartbroken but ready to transfer my fickle loyalty to one of the remaining contestants. I'm thinking Jordan and the really nice one - is her name Marlena? I'm just too lazy to look it up.

Speaking of eliminations, the other show that can stretch a minutes worth of elimination over an entire hour more infuriatingly than American Idol is Dancing With the Stars. That is why I have decided that I will no longer watch the elimination night but just look up the results. I'm voting for Heather because I think that it is really ballsy what she is doing, dancing with an artificial leg in front of millions of people. Also because I would like to show her my support because I've never understood why people and the press dislike her so much.

Sanjaya Sings

American Idol starts in a few minutes and I'm already looking forward to seeing what Sanjaya is going to do tonight. Interesting hair? I hope. Nice outfit? For sure. Great smile? Always. Song choice? Who cares? That is the definition of a true star people. Someone who is able to inspire fans regardless of what they actually do. Lets all vote for this kid.

Best wishes to you, Sanjy!

How Sad

We have all heard about the heartbreaking loss of life at Virginia tech. Let me also add my voice to countless others in expressing my sincere condolences to those who have lost loved ones. It makes me so sad to know that we can analyze and find out the reasons why this young man did what he did but there will never be any explanation for why it had to be these innocent people who ended up being the victims. Unfortunately they ended up losing their lives in such a horrific way while they were going about their day never imagining that it would be their last. It makes me realize the fragility, uncertainty and unfairness of life. I send a prayer that their souls will find peace.

sloshed!

I am drunk and it's not even 11 am in the morning. I decided to have a vege-burger which is not too bad except that it was on white potato bread bun and I'm not supposed to be having white foods. That means no rice, pasta, white wheat flour or potatoes but I just broke that rule. Then I had the equivalent of one-third of a tub of vanilla and fudge ice cream with a banana and sprinkled with a crushed granola bar for dessert. Oh, yeah, in between I had a beer and two glasses of wine. I am such a dysfunctional human being. With the depression, love of alcohol and disordered eating. I plan to go and smoke a ciggy then throw up everything I've just eaten. I force myself to throw up sometimes but that only makes me an overweight bulimic. I wish I were one of those waif thin anorexic girls.

I wish that I could find a way to capture that delicious feeling I get after drinking because it is the only time that I can stand myself. I'm afraid that I'll eventually become an alcoholic even if I know better. I don't drink every day. In fact I can go for days without a drink but it sure feels good when I do.

Slipping

I'm beginning to slip after starting to feel that I had reached a turning point and was improving this week. Last night was horrible. I once again had another panic episode where I thought that the neighbor was going to break in. Seeing the words makes me realize how absurd it sounds yet I have always had a sharper than average intuition so that is why it is hard for me to dismiss anything that sets me on edge. In the middle of the night it can be harder to think logically and clearly. I ended up sleeping with my phone next to me so that if he actually did break in, I could quickly grab it and dial the police or something. I promise I am not completely crazy because said neighbor and I have had some personal interaction. I noticed some of his character and personality traits that bothered me. I simply mistrust him although I do not have any tangible proof that he is capable of doing bad things. I highly recommend keeping your neighbors at a hello and goodbye level.

I have tried to talk to my family and even a few friends to explain my state of mind with little success. Honestly, I do not know what it is I would expect from them but usually I get a "oh oh, there she goes again" look. My parents pretty much told me to stop indulging in self pity, pray, read the Bible and forget the past (and all the things they are responsible for). I am now responsible for my life and there is nothing I would like more than to be able to leave the past behind except that it has permanently scarred me. I know that it will hover over me until I deal with those issues. You never someone will a disease like pneumonia being told that they are just feeling sorry for themselves. No, they get the appropriate medical help and the people around them understand that they are not well until they are healed. Unfortunately, I am in a position where I cannot get the help that I need.

Why then is it that with this disease of depression that people think that it is just my imagination? Really, I can think of dozens other ways I would have imagined myself. For example, as a beautiful and skinny rich bitch. Anyway, it is such a cold and lonely place to be when you try to ask your nearest and dearest for help only to be dismissed. That is the sad state of society particularly in my culture where depression is not taken seriously. It would make such a difference to have someone say, "I understand, I care, I am here for you, ..." or a hug when there are no words.

If a loved one of yours is going through a similar experience, do not give up or let them go even when you don't understand or they seem to push you away.

Besame Mucho Sanjaya

Ok, so this may be just a teeny tiny obsession with this American Idol contestant but I totally adored his performance tonight. He looked really cute too with the curls and the goatee. I dare anyone to deny that he can sing. So, he may not be the very best vocal but he is the most interesting personality IMO. Jennifer Lopez, their celeb coach tonight is a perfect example of someone who has a very successful career selling millions of records despite not being the most vocally talented. That is why I have just decided that I really do not mind if he actually wins the competition. Good luck Sanjaya. I'm off to vote for you!

crazy no more?

So after months of feeling more and more crazy and less in control of my life, I can finally take a deep breath of relief. Yeah, I'm slightly off center naturally but I've been feeling like I was trapped in a strange body.

I have been in an extremely difficult place in my life faced with decisions about my career, family relationships and life in general. You know how it is when you are sure that you've hit rock bottom only to be pushed down even further? The nature of life is such that there will be good times and also bad ones that you can do nothing about. But usually you should be able to control your attitude and reaction. There is nothing as frightening as facing whatever problems through a foggy haze of depression to the extent where I was actually thinking how I was going to kill myself because I was just so tired of being on this emotional roller coaster.

I went for so long without being able to sleep for more than two hours at night if that. I was always irritable and had unpredictable mood swings. I honestly did not know how I would react to what anyone told me. I remember getting upset when I got a compliment. I would cry for hours on end for any reason from TV shows to things that had happened in my past. Then I had anxiety and extreme panic where my heart would beat so hard that I thought it would explode. I'd leave the apartment for only a few minutes at a time because I was always frightened that "something" bad would happen. I haven't even told anyone this because it's so embarrassing but there was one night when I went to sleep in the middle of the night with a little paring knife next to me. I was convinced that one of my neighbors had just come home drunk from a night out was planning to break into my place. Finally, I isolated myself from everyone because I was angry and frustrated that I could not make them understand the seriousness of what I was going through.

The breaking point was when I put on my fattest jeans and they were tight! Now, I have never been a skinny girl but I had lost a few pounds after graduating college and leaving the cafeteria food behind. I have never been physically active but I usually eat semi-healthy because I'm one of those strange people who loves veggies. I love other foods too but I realized that my appetite
had been out of control these past few months. I was constantly hungry and would eat frantically while thinking about what I would have next.

After thinking for a while I decided that I would discontinue taking my birth control pills. The one thing that they had definitely helped with is that my period (which has always been as regular as a clock but way too heavy)became much lighter and lasted 4 days instead of the usual 7. I'm not and would not like to be in a relationship right now so I figured that I could go without the b.c. and see if my weight would go down. That was three weeks ago and I haven't cried since and my general mood has been improving.

Then just this morning I looked at this website to see what other women's experiences have been with b.c. and weight changes but what I discovered blew me away. I found out that it wasn't just the weight gain but there were others who had similar feelings of depression, anxiety, mood swings and other side effects I did not associate with b.c. For example, my skin has always been my pride and joy but it has been really bad and breaking out these past few months which is totally unusual for me. I also had to pee often just like some of the women on the b.c. pills. I even had breast tenderness and felt like I was pregnant even when I knew I wasn't.

What a relief to know that I am not completely crazy nor am I alone. I'll get back on birth control (and try another brand) if I get in a relationship with someone who is actually worth it. In the meantime my life is still in a very tough situation but I feel more in control of my emotions.

Ciao!
Soli.

Sanjaya 2night!

I'll be watching American Idol tonight to see what good ol' Sanjy will be up to. Specifically, if he'll have another crazy hairstyle. Will he take KFC up on their offer as TMZ reported? Hmm, we'll just have to wait and see.

Solitaire and Sanjaya

Solitaire: an annoying game on the computer that I can play for hours on end. You know, the basic one that comes with Even when I hate it so much it drives me crazy. So I'll play it over and over again until I'm happy with my score which almost never happens. So far the highest score has been 5000 points. I don't even know if that is good or what. After a while, my brain gets into 'the zone' and I get the most brilliant ideas. Or maybe after doing something so mind-numbing for longer than ten minutes, any thought that makes it's way into my mind seems brilliant.

Keeping my hands busy clicking away at the cards on my desktop also helps delay the inevitable cigarette break. Before you get on my case about how bad it is for my health, let me tell you that I have tried to quit in the past. One time seriously enough that I went for several days without a single puff. Let me tell you a was such a tightly wound ball of irritability you wouldn't have wanted to be around me. Of course I plan to quit when I get addicted to another vice.

I have to say something about my fave American Idol. Sanjaya. He is the reason I've been watching this season's AI. I was going to wait until they got down to the last two or three before I watched the show but now I tune in every week to see his smile and latest hairstyle. Please, do not tell me anything about 'better' singers leaving before him because making it to the top 10 is enough to jumpstart anyone's career. Case in point: Chris Daughtry, Katherine McPhee and the sweet Southern blonde from last season whose name I just can't remember. I bet most of us will remember Sanjaya's name for much longer (or at least his ponytail mohawk).

I'm off for a ciggy.

Ciao,
Soli.