sloshed!

I am drunk and it's not even 11 am in the morning. I decided to have a vege-burger which is not too bad except that it was on white potato bread bun and I'm not supposed to be having white foods. That means no rice, pasta, white wheat flour or potatoes but I just broke that rule. Then I had the equivalent of one-third of a tub of vanilla and fudge ice cream with a banana and sprinkled with a crushed granola bar for dessert. Oh, yeah, in between I had a beer and two glasses of wine. I am such a dysfunctional human being. With the depression, love of alcohol and disordered eating. I plan to go and smoke a ciggy then throw up everything I've just eaten. I force myself to throw up sometimes but that only makes me an overweight bulimic. I wish I were one of those waif thin anorexic girls.

I wish that I could find a way to capture that delicious feeling I get after drinking because it is the only time that I can stand myself. I'm afraid that I'll eventually become an alcoholic even if I know better. I don't drink every day. In fact I can go for days without a drink but it sure feels good when I do.