Slipping

I'm beginning to slip after starting to feel that I had reached a turning point and was improving this week. Last night was horrible. I once again had another panic episode where I thought that the neighbor was going to break in. Seeing the words makes me realize how absurd it sounds yet I have always had a sharper than average intuition so that is why it is hard for me to dismiss anything that sets me on edge. In the middle of the night it can be harder to think logically and clearly. I ended up sleeping with my phone next to me so that if he actually did break in, I could quickly grab it and dial the police or something. I promise I am not completely crazy because said neighbor and I have had some personal interaction. I noticed some of his character and personality traits that bothered me. I simply mistrust him although I do not have any tangible proof that he is capable of doing bad things. I highly recommend keeping your neighbors at a hello and goodbye level.

I have tried to talk to my family and even a few friends to explain my state of mind with little success. Honestly, I do not know what it is I would expect from them but usually I get a "oh oh, there she goes again" look. My parents pretty much told me to stop indulging in self pity, pray, read the Bible and forget the past (and all the things they are responsible for). I am now responsible for my life and there is nothing I would like more than to be able to leave the past behind except that it has permanently scarred me. I know that it will hover over me until I deal with those issues. You never someone will a disease like pneumonia being told that they are just feeling sorry for themselves. No, they get the appropriate medical help and the people around them understand that they are not well until they are healed. Unfortunately, I am in a position where I cannot get the help that I need.

Why then is it that with this disease of depression that people think that it is just my imagination? Really, I can think of dozens other ways I would have imagined myself. For example, as a beautiful and skinny rich bitch. Anyway, it is such a cold and lonely place to be when you try to ask your nearest and dearest for help only to be dismissed. That is the sad state of society particularly in my culture where depression is not taken seriously. It would make such a difference to have someone say, "I understand, I care, I am here for you, ..." or a hug when there are no words.

If a loved one of yours is going through a similar experience, do not give up or let them go even when you don't understand or they seem to push you away.