crazy no more?

So after months of feeling more and more crazy and less in control of my life, I can finally take a deep breath of relief. Yeah, I'm slightly off center naturally but I've been feeling like I was trapped in a strange body.

I have been in an extremely difficult place in my life faced with decisions about my career, family relationships and life in general. You know how it is when you are sure that you've hit rock bottom only to be pushed down even further? The nature of life is such that there will be good times and also bad ones that you can do nothing about. But usually you should be able to control your attitude and reaction. There is nothing as frightening as facing whatever problems through a foggy haze of depression to the extent where I was actually thinking how I was going to kill myself because I was just so tired of being on this emotional roller coaster.

I went for so long without being able to sleep for more than two hours at night if that. I was always irritable and had unpredictable mood swings. I honestly did not know how I would react to what anyone told me. I remember getting upset when I got a compliment. I would cry for hours on end for any reason from TV shows to things that had happened in my past. Then I had anxiety and extreme panic where my heart would beat so hard that I thought it would explode. I'd leave the apartment for only a few minutes at a time because I was always frightened that "something" bad would happen. I haven't even told anyone this because it's so embarrassing but there was one night when I went to sleep in the middle of the night with a little paring knife next to me. I was convinced that one of my neighbors had just come home drunk from a night out was planning to break into my place. Finally, I isolated myself from everyone because I was angry and frustrated that I could not make them understand the seriousness of what I was going through.

The breaking point was when I put on my fattest jeans and they were tight! Now, I have never been a skinny girl but I had lost a few pounds after graduating college and leaving the cafeteria food behind. I have never been physically active but I usually eat semi-healthy because I'm one of those strange people who loves veggies. I love other foods too but I realized that my appetite
had been out of control these past few months. I was constantly hungry and would eat frantically while thinking about what I would have next.

After thinking for a while I decided that I would discontinue taking my birth control pills. The one thing that they had definitely helped with is that my period (which has always been as regular as a clock but way too heavy)became much lighter and lasted 4 days instead of the usual 7. I'm not and would not like to be in a relationship right now so I figured that I could go without the b.c. and see if my weight would go down. That was three weeks ago and I haven't cried since and my general mood has been improving.

Then just this morning I looked at this website to see what other women's experiences have been with b.c. and weight changes but what I discovered blew me away. I found out that it wasn't just the weight gain but there were others who had similar feelings of depression, anxiety, mood swings and other side effects I did not associate with b.c. For example, my skin has always been my pride and joy but it has been really bad and breaking out these past few months which is totally unusual for me. I also had to pee often just like some of the women on the b.c. pills. I even had breast tenderness and felt like I was pregnant even when I knew I wasn't.

What a relief to know that I am not completely crazy nor am I alone. I'll get back on birth control (and try another brand) if I get in a relationship with someone who is actually worth it. In the meantime my life is still in a very tough situation but I feel more in control of my emotions.

Ciao!
Soli.